My Thoughts On Transgender Day Of Remembrance 2022
Being transgender myself, I don't think I go to enough of these types of events that either celebrate our identity or remember those who were taken from us in the name of violence.
I was going to march in Trans March SF this year for the first time in several years, but my friend wasn't up to it. We decided not to go.
The reason I would march is basically for our right to be. Not for special treatment, but against discrimination against us for being who we are.
In the case of Trans Day of Remembrance, I've known about this event for years. The first one was organized in memory of Rita Hester, who was murdered for being transgender.
It's very simple. We gather together on Day of Remembrance to mourn the loss of our transgender sisters and speak their names aloud. Their lives did matter, and we must never forget them. Their deaths are not in vain.
I went to my first Trans Day of Remembrance in 2015, mere weeks after I lost the home I lived in for 30 years. I saw that they were doing one of these gatherings close to where I lived, and that meant it was a must for me to attend.
I went there again to this nice community park location in my old hometown. They have other events there, such as farmer's markets, live music and so forth. When I got there, I was wondering if anybody else was coming. Nobody was there.
The Reverend Barbara showed up first. She's a trans woman who came from Pennsylvania. Originally she was born in the Bay Area, so this was coming home for her.
She is getting her a degrees in religious science. I'm not exactly sure of the term, but it's more credentials for her as she has done many good things in the name of The Lord. This includes visiting those who are passing on to the next life.
She is a really sweet woman. We talked for quite a while on different aspects of the transgender experience. Eventually, a trans man showed up, wondering the same thing we were. Where was everybody?
Slowly, the people from the local Rainbow Community Center showed up. They set up some chairs, the display with all of the names of the people who had been murdered and the candles that we would be lighting as the ceremony began.
There were various different speakers, and some good speeches were given. Barbara herself did a speech, which was basically a letter to her parents. She wrote this after her parents passed on.
It was a letter asking them why they didn't support her when she was young and knew she was trans. Why she had to adapt to their expectations to make them happy. Telling them how her life has gone and how they would be proud of who she is today. It was beautiful and moving.
The speaking of the names doesn't last too long, and it's the speeches that make the ceremony longer. It's important that we hear these things, and in that way the community knows that they are being supported. This was their biggest attended Day Of Remembrance event yet.
I like the fact that we have the Rainbow Community Center here, but I think establishing something further east of Concord would be nice. We could use more of a presence in support of the transgender community. We really don't have enough support.
The thing is, where do we gather to be amongst each other for moral support? Where are the support groups? I think we need more of those. Right now, there's a lot of blowback against the trans community.
We were making some big gains, but fear started to set in from people on the right side of the political spectrum. I understand some of the fear, but a lot of it is misguided. They're worried about children being corrupted into some sort of "trans agenda", but here's the thing.
Trans youth know that they're trans at a very young age. That's just a fact. The family can see the way they are behaving. People assigned male at birth who are acting feminine and vice versa.
Sometimes, the latter can be attributed to being a tomboy, and sometimes that is the case. Other times, there's something more going on there.
In the case of the feminine boys, parents were often trying to make that boy obey. You will act like a boy, not a girl.
When the family would lash out at a child that way, it did damage. Some children just knew they were trans, and they weren't changing because their parents told them to. So, as they came of age as teens and started to express their identity, families started disowning them.
These trans youth would be kicked out on the streets, and it didn't go well for a lot of them in many cases. If they didn't have somebody to lean on, some of these children ended up getting on drugs, prostitution and those sorts of things. It wasn't good.
What has happened in the last decade or so is parents have started to accept that their child might be trans. They're merely exploring this with them. If a boy is acting feminine and wants to express as a girl, they're letting it happen. "I support you as my daughter," they might say, "but you're still going to do your chores and go to school."
That's love, in my opinion. That's not a parent making it all about themselves and how the child is somehow wronging them for being who they are.
To an outside observer who's scared about the transsexual child, they may look at it like the parent is corrupting their child. Or, sometimes the father and mother may differ on what should be done with the child, and one parent's decision is what's accepted.
The main time you see something like that in the news is generally when the father is shut out of the decision making process, and the mother allows their child to express in the gender in which they identify. Somehow she's being painted as bad for doing that.
Now, I understand this subject is completely different from Transgender Day of Remembrance, but it has a relevance. It's something that the trans youth have to struggle with, so having accepting parents is a big thing. If not, they negotiate through a path that could lead them to a violent end.
Disproportionately, it's trans women of color who end up being beaten and murdered, so those names on Day of Remembrance often tend to be reflective of that fact.
For a long time, one way for a disowned trans woman to pay for the necessary gender affirming healthcare was through prostitution. People might not like the idea of trans women, but as a dirty little secret, some of the men who might protest the existence of trans women might also visit a trans woman prostitute.
That is a bit hypocritical, but still something that happens. Some trans women end up being somebody's dirty little secret, and this even crosses lines to tarns women who don't go towards careers that include escorting.
Therefore, when a trans woman is looking for love, she might encounter guys who want to see her on the side, but they don't want to see her publicly. They're too ashamed.
These are some of the things that happen, and the fact that a trans woman is seen as a dirty little secret or somehow lesser than is the same sort of thought process that leads to violence and the ultimate extinguishing of a life.
These names matter, and that's why we name them on Trans Day of Remembrance. In this case, there were even a few local names added to the list that didn't make national attention. We also don't name those who end up committing suicide because of their struggle to accept themselves as trans.
I have noticed that in those cases it makes no difference whether you're the most "passable" of trans woman or one who feels you may never get there. The hurt can overcome you, and the next thing you know, suicide feels like the way out. It never is, and there is help for those who have those thoughts.
Trans Day of Remembrance doesn't include those who were beaten within an inch of their lives and have survived it either. The fact is, there's a lot of violence against trans women, and it's unnecessary.
If given the chance to flourish and grow, a transgender woman is fully capable of contributing positive things to this world the same as anybody else. You just have to give them a shot at it, and they'll show you.
I've been fortunate enough in my life that people know what I can do and haven't shut me out simply because I have come out as transgender.
I am happy to participate in Transgender Day of Remembrance. I wish we didn't have to have events like this, but they are necessary. Days like Transgender Day of Visibility matter, because people are encouraged to be who they truly are. Events like Trans March are important, because we're all seen visibly in public en masse.
We must never hide away in shame, and we need to change the culture that makes us want to. It is not bad to be transgender, and transgender lives matter. Those who have died because of violence shall not have died in vain.
