Ghosted By Somebody I Cared About
This year has been an interesting experience for me. I wanted to be back in California. Circumstances led to me losing my home. I got depressed and didn't take action quickly enough back then.
Somebody I loved dearly (my father) died, and I grieved too hard. I almost gave up on myself. Fortunately, I returned back to an old line of work, and it led to me moving to Oregon for six years.
While I was there, I was just focusing on work. I wasn't really living there. I was merely existing, if you know what I mean. I was almost living like a tourist, not fully embracing the fact that I was in Oregon.
I wanted to come back to California, but I didn't think that would happen. It did. I got an offer I didn't think I'd get. There was some anxiety behind that which is another story. I struggled to accept the offer for reasons I won't get into, but they relate to my gender identity.
While that good news was coming, somebody I really cared about actually reached out to me via social media. This person is somebody I've been in orbit of for many years.
I don't want to name names, and that makes it hard for me to write what I'm writing here. How do you describe what you're going through without really getting into why you're going through it? It's challenging, but I think I can do it.
This person reached out to me, and I didn't do my typical thing. I wasn't guarding my heart and just giving them the answers and love I could give them. I have done that a lot online. I end up helping people, but after they get what they want from me, they move on.
With this person, I was determined to dive in and take this experience wherever it went. Astrologically speaking, I knew the risks. I can't even get into that as it reveals something.
While I was in Oregon, this person would wake me up with messages of good morning and describe their dreams to me. They'd tell me how their day was going throughout the day and then at night time wish me good night.
We were exchanging many messages. During that time, the offer was made for me to come back to California, and I was stressing out over it. There was anxiety, but my friend was encouraging me to come back
Their own situation wasn't so good. They needed to get away from where they were. I've come to understand they've made this break a few times but they always come back to this person.
They have a hold on my friend that is complicated. Part of it, in my opinion, is my friend still loves this person. Despite some dark things happening there, my friend still loves them.
I was determined to help get them out of the situation they were in, so I volunteered some financial support. Unfortunately, the person they were going to go to turned out to not be so good.
I had a hunch that was the case and was going to tell them, but they figured it out pretty quickly. That still left an investment in airline tickets that they couldn't get refunded, and they started talking about coming to see me.
The discussions for this move went on for probably two months, and things started getting a little bit complicated in May. I know what was going on, and I can't get into it too much. They were getting dragged down by something they've been struggling with for a long time.
Because we weren't communicating so well, I was tempted to tell them that they should go elsewhere if they didn't want to come to me and use the ticket. However, they literally contacted me a day after I made that decision. I said, "Yes, come stay with me."
The visit lasted for a month out of what was going to be four months. There were many wonderful moments that I'll cherish and treasure forever. There were other moments that were revealing and troubling, but we're all human.
That didn't change the way I felt about my friend, and as far as they were expressing to me, it didn't change how they felt about me. They did keep telling me that they felt like they weren't helping my situation. My situation was fine, I would tell them. I was happy they were here.
They thought it would be better to go back to that person one more time. I was crushed, because I knew that wasn't a good move for them. However, that was the decision they made, and I had to respect it. I couldn't ask them to stay longer and think about it, as I wanted to. Hindsight being what it is, maybe I should have?
However, I hadn't put all the pieces to the puzzle together regarding how I could help them until the day they left. I think things over in my mind way too long, and I'm not a "decision on the spot" type of person. That's a weak point in this situation.
We expressed our feelings for each other and declared that we'd both be friends and keep in touch. That wasn't going to change. I have the things they wrote to me, and I'll always cherish them. There was no negativity expressed.
I did the only thing I could do. I let them go. I made sure they got to the airport in comfort by calling them a shuttle cab. It was a bit pricey, but their comfort was important to me considering what they were going through.
We communicated through texts a few more times that day, and everything remained positive. After that, communications from my friend ceased completely.
I was sending a message about every day. Telling him how my day was going and asking them if they were okay. Did they need anything? Let me know and I'll do what I can.
The text messaging got glitchy, and there were days I couldn't send something out. I started worrying, so I went to the social media site one day and sent them a message there. Same type of thing.
The next day, the text went out okay, and a few days later, I found out I was blocked on the social media site that this person uses. I was shocked. I don't think I really processed what was going on that day. There must have been some reason that they'd explain to me, right?
There was never an explanation of what happened. There was never an explanation of if they were doing the one thing I think they were hoping to do when they got back there that would help them. There was never any communication as to why they would block me.
Did I upset them? Were they protecting me? Was it the person they were staying with? Nothing. I didn't feel like this was the way to end things, and I still don't. In my heart, I know it wasn't me.
What I've been seeking is communication to tell me why. Just give me a reason. Or, let's communicate about whatever it was, move beyond and be friends. I thought we did have a connection that we could build on as friends for years to come.
I've been in this person's orbit for a long time, and I've always cared about them. The thing was I had an opportunity to try to make a positive difference in their life, and I wanted to do that. I invested of myself, my resources and my time to make a difference. I sort of felt like a failure in the end.
I probably would still be in their orbit on social media if I hadn't chosen to engage them in the daily conversations we were having. This is what led to them coming to my place for one amazing month. However, I wouldn't change it for the world.
I didn't think I could actually write this without revealing who this person was or the amazing things that happened. I've written this all in my diary to process it and make sense of it, but it still makes no sense to me.
If they felt the things they were expressing to me the day before they left, why ghost me and ultimately block me? They could have at least told me, but they didn't.
They refuse to say anything to me now despite my best efforts, and it hurts my heart everyday. I still wish them the best and pray for them, but a little piece of my heart goes with them from here on. I will always love them.
