One Step Above Holding A Will Work For Food Sign

I was reminded the other day by the person I am working for that I get "three hots and a cot" as they put it.  Originally, that was to do some writing and public relations work and a bit of announcing at a race track, but that has expanded to other duties.  Some of which I've jumped in and done because it was needed.  When you are working to keep a roof over your head and face homelessness if it falls apart, you do what you have to do.  I've basically given up on the idea of having a personal life or personal happiness for now.  It's just survival.  I barely have time for adding new updates to this page.

I'm only a step up from that guy on the corner holding that sign.  You know, the guy you pretend not to see as you drive by, because he reminds you of how bad life can be.  He reminds you of how lucky you are.  Some judge that guy like they think they know how he got there.  Maybe they do, and maybe they don't.  He's there to remind the people who are barely holding on that they better bust their butts to maintain our glorious system or they are there next.  After a day old holding the sign, he heads back under the bridge, near the creek or wherever.  Maybe he made enough to eat that day.

I might have been reminded that I am lucky to have a roof over my head and food to eat.  I understand that.  I am, for lack of a better term, an indentured servant.  It's not even that the guy I'm working for is bad.  Quite the opposite.  But, I'm not in a place in my life where I am happy.  I'm pretty unhappy when I stop being busy doing this nonsense and can think about it.  I might log 40 hours of my time per week at this, but I don't cash a paycheck or save for my next move.  When I do get a little cash thrown my way, it's already spent.  I exist, and sometimes it seems pointless.

I'm not working to get ahead.  I'm working to just get by.  Probably not much different than some people who are also lucky to have a roof over their heads.  There's no vacation, and there's no money to take a vacation anyway.  There's no time with a significant other.  There's no hanging out with friends.  There's no days to really unwind.  The minute it's all done at the end of the week, I'm back at the track again.  I'm tired and burned out on the sport, to be honest.  I walked away from it for a reason.

The only reason I ever came back was because I realized I had a skill set that might be worth something at a time when I was losing my home.  I since lost that home.  What I learned from years of getting good at this work is that there is no value in what I do for me personally.  I make other people money.  I've seen others get paid more for what I do, but I never got the break I needed.  I left the sport because I was tired and I finally realized the truth.  My fault is not just that I wasted years of my life focused only on getting good at this.  It's that I never figured out what to do next when that was over.

I literally had no choice but to work for food.  When I came back, I had a friend driving me to and from the track, because I was broke and had no transportation.  I still had my home, though I was on the verge of losing it.  My friend threw some food my way, plus there was beer at the end of a race night.  Good times.  I could forget my misery for a while then.  That effort failed to land me a job there, but I got the attention of a man who was willing to move me out of state and put me to work doing this stuff for him.  I got food and shelter and a few bucks here and there.  Not enough to replace things that are breaking or my old clothes or things I need, but it's something.

I am one of those people who will work for food.  I don't need the sign yet.  I have a place to work and the food and bed are provided for me.  I will never get ahead doing this.  I will maintain my existence until I am not needed here.  Then, I don't know what I will do or if I will be able to move where I want to live.  I guess I'm lucky enough to carve out a few minutes here and there for my other creative outlets.   Unfortunately, I'm not building my future.  I'm not doing anything for my old age, and I certainly am not getting any younger.  If and when I lose everything, nobody will care.  In some people's minds, I'm sure they will say I deserve that and I'm a disposable person to them.  At that point, maybe I will be holding one of those signs of the corner.